NAMB: You’re Doing it Wrong

Somebody is doing it wrong.

 

If you’re a woman in the United States, you know by now that there are many choices available when it comes to structuring your family. But only some of them are right. My gentleman readers (or the younger ladies out there) may not know, however, so let’s talk about the many ways your lifestyle choice can be and probably is wrong.

Single, no children

This is acceptable until the age of 26 and three months. If at that age you don’t at least have a highly likely prospect of marriage you’d better start saving up the pennies you’re obviously working too hard to earn, because you’ll need to purchase a subscription to every dating site on the interwebs. And also plastic surgery because there’s clearly something wrong with you. You could spend your money on world travel, hobbies, or continuing education, but I wouldn’t advise it. Being well rounded isn’t half as valuable as being well off and well married. Which brings me to number two.

Married, no children

So when are you two going to have kids? Well, just don’t wait too long. You should probably have your responses to that tattooed to your forehead to save time. Henna tatooed, because future moms shouldn’t get inked–it might affect their unborn offspring. (Dad-to-be, you can skip the tatt, but do work on getting a promotion/raise at least every 18 months). If you aren’t preggers by your 2.5 year anniversary, clearly there are only two possibilities. First and most likely, fertility probs. If you would like kids one day but don’t have any right now, this is actually the only possibility. As the internet has taught us, fertility drops off at age 27 (hence the deadline in life situation #1). And since men can father children into their sixties, the problem must be with you, ma’am. Sure, you’re in grad school and your husband is job searching. We know postpartum depression and alcoholism runs in your family (don’t even play, I saw Uncle Tommy at y’all’s wedding). But since having a baby trumps all other considerations, we know that can’t be the reason you are still childless, so we’ll just say it: I am so, so sorry you have geriatric ovaries. Actually we won’t say it, we’ll just whisper it after you leave the party early (probably to try to get pregnant). On the upside, if you got married after 27, you can put the money you started saving for eHarmony towards IVF instead.

The second possibility is that you don’t want kids. Don’t worry, you’ll change your mind. How do I know? Because having biological children is the only way to experience a meaningful life and real love, and you want real love, don’t you? Your cat/career/friends/partner/best-selling novel doesn’t count.

Unmarried with children

This one is pretty obvious.

LGBTQ or any letter other than 100% arrow straight, with any kind of family status

See above.

One Child

Congratulations, you’ve achieved motherhood! It looks good on you too. For six months. After that we’re sure you’ll bounce back. So–when do you plan to have the next one? Everyone knows that only children are lonely at best and socially maladjusted at worst, and no matter where they fall on that spectrum guaranteed to be a prime weirdo. I know you’re interested in staying on a career track and that’s good. We ladies can have it all nowadays. But you don’t want to wait too long. Sibling spacing is indeed a heavy consideration, but five years? Your kids won’t be in the same school together. Oh. Ohhhhh….you must be having trouble in your marriage. OK, we won’t ask about it.

P.S. I know this great book about secondary infertility.

Two or Three Children

Since this is the ideal number of kids (three is the new black, you know) we’ll move on to other concerns. By now you probably don’t have any friends that aren’t part of your carpool, so you’ll want to brush up on these important discussion topics:

• Who is your contractor and are they LEED certified?
• Charter or private kindergarten?
• What is the hottest workout, and how to look like you’re actually doing it
• Is three too young an age to really appreciate a Disney World/European vacation?
• And of course, who is stepping out on whom (husband or wife, duh, we’re not sexist).

Don’t think too much about things like life purpose and meaning (outside of your kids, obvi). Save that for empty nesting, or even better, your deathbed.

Now that you’re family is complete*, this is the time to consider the rest of your life. The gentle applause for staying at home while your kids were babies subsides once they’re in third, first, and preK respectively. Couponing as a full time gig is so 2011. What’s a lady to do? If you can’t manage leaning back in to a high powered career, there’s always activism/volunteerism. Maybe you should try blogging, that’s easy.

*unless your children are all the same gender. In which case–are you going to try for a girl/boy?

Four or More Children

Wow! You have your hands full. How do you do it? I could never manage that many. At this point your only hope of respectability is to be on the board of a Fortune 100 company or somehow in politics–a Kennedy if you can manage it. Otherwise, how could you be a loving* mother, a master chef, a fun friend, a successful careerwoman, have a home that’s a charming mashup of Pottery Barn and West Elm housing a stellar shoe collection, and be able to double as a Victoria Secret Angel on Halloween and Valentine’s Day? (In other words, the definition of having it all). If you are missing one or more of these elements as a woman with four or more children, you will automatically be labeled a hot mess. #justsayin

*defined as doting, but not helicoptery. You’ll know you’re doing it right if each of your children is well-mannered, high-achieving, and popular. 

The good news is, you should be covered in your old age. With that many kids, the odds are definitely increased that at least one of them will take you in or be able to set you up with a sweet assisted living situation. Of course this also increases your likelihood of having one or more of your children living in your basement as adults. Bottom line: make sure your will is up to date.

So, to recap.

I guess if you are an accomplished 25 year old who is engaged to a charming and successful male with detailed plans to birth one girl and one boy in the [not too] distant future with a rockin’ well-dressed bod and a successful yet flexible career, you are all set. Anything other than that and you’re doing this whole woman thing wrong.

Welcome to the club.

Give a woman in your life a high five for doing it wrong today, and more importantly, give yourself a hug. It’s all good.

P.S. Happy April Fools! Check out links in this article for evidence that contradicts the statement.

The Perks of Being a Work-Away Mom

It’s a conundrum many a mama faces: stay at home with the new bundle of joy or return to the daily grind. You might be totally gung-ho one way or the other when baby is just a plus sign on a stick, but when the little pooper arrives, followed quickly by the 12th week of FMLA-mandated maternity leave, things aren’t so clear. How can you leave this precious angel in the hands of strangers all day? (Or on the other hand, you might be chomping at the bit to get out of the house. Or a little of both).

I’m Switzerland in the Mommy Wars, so you’ll have to decide for yourself (my best advice is: you’re going to screw something up no matter what you do, so just do what you want. If there was a perfect choice to make we’d all be making it, amirite?). However, if you do make the call–whether from personal choice or necessity–to return to full-time, out-of-the-home work, rest assured there are some benefits. Sure, there’s the usual personal fulfillment, lean in, yadayadayada WHATEVER aspect to the question. But even more important is the benefits you don’t hear about. Stuff like…

You get to pee alone at least 85% of the time.

Not a problem.

And use both hands to get your pants up and down.

You change a lot fewer diapers.

And go through fewer of those expensive Diaper Genie liners.

Experienced hand-holding.

You have extra hands to help with big milestones like talking, walking, and potty training. If you, like me, are totally clueless about when your kid is supposed to be able to do all these things, you can just take the mean, median, and mode of his “classmates’ ” abilities.

Or ask the nanny, who let’s face it, probably has more and more recent kid experience than you.

No need to freak out.

Even if you miss a “first,” your kid’s caretakers are nice enough not to mention it so it can still be new to you. And even if they do gloat about witnessing Junior’s first step, it’s still totally exciting when you see it for the first time personally, TRUST. Also, they know CPR and first aid and might possibly be less frenetic should the need to use it ever arise.

Unlike – ahem – some mothers, who nearly throw up just looking at this picture.

People ask you about your child without the need talk about theirs.

The MMO folks aren’t listening–either because their currently living the same thing, or they’re too busy preparing what they’re about to say about their own speshul snowflake.

Adult conversations with people other than your spouse.

Sure, they may be about how to send long distance faxes and what the weather will be like for afternoon rush hour, but at least it’s not about Elmo, Dora, or alligators vs crocodiles (or God forbid, poop).

Childless shopping.

It may not be at a completely leisurely pace if it’s crammed into a lunch break or a quick stop on the way home, but at least it’s whine-free (but maybe not wine-free).

I wonder if this oatmeal will fit in my cup holder…

Less home work.

Yes, SAHPs work just as hard–possibly harder–during the day than people with full time jobs. Yet they still tend to get stuck with the bulk of the drudgery (even when the working half is around) just because they’re “home all the time” (right). When you work a full day, that lame-ass argument is totally negated. Equal division of chores: it’s not just a pipe dream!

You get to wear “real” clothes.

Wearing yoga pants every day is overrated (and yes, I have actually done it).

Grumpy mornings.

On those days one or the other of you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, passing off your kid to someone else for a few hours can do both of you some good. Don’t hate the truth.

She’s calling to see if the nanny can come a little early today…

..and the best part of working away?

Coming home.

Seeing each other after a long day apart is akin to the excitement of Christmas morning for both parties. Christmas every day? I’ll take it.

What I’m reading

There’s a great article in the July/August Atlantic by Anne-Marie Slaughter about work-life balance.  The full text is available online and I highly recommend it. It’s a quite long but important body of thought. Not just for working mothers, but for anyone who strives to achieve balance between a personal life and professional achievement.

The author’s thoughts are in alignment with what I’m all about here at Cushion Cut—ladies and gents who do it all. One notable example, referring to others’ adverse reactions when she asks to be introduced as the mother of two boys in addition to her other credentials:

It seems odd to me to list degrees, awards, positions, and interests and not include the dimension of my life that is most important to me—and takes an enormous amount of my time.

Despite the title (Why Women Still Can’t Have it All), the take-home message is that they (and everyone else) can. America just needs to change our work mentality to emphasize quality over quantity of hours, recognize and reward other signs of dedication (like efficiency), and take advantage of technology to allow more flexibility. I especially like the author’s idea that we ought to think of the office as a sort of base camp, rather than the location where all work must be done. All in all, a great read on the current state of the women’s lib movement–which is relevant to guys more than ever, by the way!

Bookmark it and peruse in your free time!