Greetings, Earthlings

Welcome to 2016! Clearly I’ve been floating far away from this corner of the galaxy for a while–getting buffeted by strong winds on all sides.

First, I accepted a new day job. The interview process, which stretched across the entire holiday season, was the most arduous and exacting of my life so far–to say nothing of the avalanche of work that subsequently descended upon me at my current position. But at the end of the day, I’m going to be writing for a living! So that’s a huge coup for my personal and professional life. Even if the trauma of resigning (what can I say, I hate disappointing people) basically caused me to gain two pounds in half a day due to stress cortisol.

Then the downside of the rollercoaster: not two days after all this came to a head, an intruder broke into my home while T and I were asleep. P had left for work and the thief must have thought the house was empty. As soon as he saw us he walked out the front door without disturbing us–but not before he grabbed my large work handbag with my entire life in it. So this past week has been a flurry of phone calls (on a landline because I have no cell phone, GAH) to banks, credit card companies, identity theft professionals, the DMV, insurance agencies, the police, and basically everyone I’ve ever been in contact with.

On top of that, we’re looking at the prospect of moving–and by extension elementary school selection (charter school choice for most districts starts around now). And of course, just because a bunch of my money got stolen, and it’s my birthday in two weeks, my car decided it needs $2000 worth of repairs in order to pass emissions.

It’s enough to drive a girl to drink–but dammit, I don’t have any ID.*

*Kind souls, when they hear my story, keep asking what they can do to help. Answer: please bring me a bottle of Ketel One and/or Buffalo Trace. 

Anyway. All this to say that I haven’t found time to post lately. I’m sure you’re utterly bereft. So I’ve compiled a few things to keep you busy until I get my feet under me and start writing again.

The Genius Notations of Hamilton

From the June 2015 Vogue

If you’re a theatre person, you’ve already heard of the musical Hamilton, the hip hopera biographic of that dude on the ten dollar bill that got killed in a duel. And if you’re not a theatre person, you’ve probably heard of it too. But have you read the annotated lyrics on Genius? Genius.com, the site where users and artists can footnote the lyrics of pop music, has done an utterly epic job of breaking down the musical line by line. Even before this particular cultural phenomenon hit the scene last year, Alexander Hamilton the person was enjoying a slight resurgence in admiration after years of being eclipsed by the other founding fathers who were his ideological rivals (and incidentally, didn’t die in duels). In the musical, all those old white dudes are played by young black and brown people. Even the women get a decent word in, which is saying a lot for both then and now. So now, A. Ham is basically a cult hero and everyone and their mother is interested in American history, which is nothing but awesome. (But I’d like to take a moment to remind you all that – ahem- I was into this time period before it was cool).

Anyhoo. Go check it out pronto. It will keep you busy for a while.

Just Mercy. Just Read It

My current place of employment is having a one time campus-wide book club (how cute is that?). I don’t get to participate, due to leaving the job and all. But I read the book anyway, and was really moved. In the broadest strokes, it’s about the inequities of the legal system in America. The heart of the story centers on one representative example of a man who spent years on death row and was almost executed for a crime that mounds of evidence made clear he did not commit. There are a lot of people who won’t even give the book a chance based on those two sentences alone. Don’t be one of those people. Read it now–instant paradigm shift.

Bkr

Before it was stolen, I got to use part of a gift card my dad gave me for Christmas to buy a schmancy new beverage vessel. Everyone is into S’well but I went with a Bkr. The bottle is cool enough, but go check out their website. You’ll kill an hour or two reading the wacko names and descriptions on all of the dozens of color choices, and laugh at the pretentious styling and captions of their promo shots. A sample: I only use Bkr on two occasions: when I am in love and when I am not. (Who are these copywriters and how do I get some of what they’re on?).

Stars who may or may not be in love.

Rearrange Furniture

Virtually, that is. The Icovia MakeRoom Planner allows you to choose a room design (or enter your own custom dimensions), enter all sorts of furniture pieces, and then move them around willy nilly. Endless entertainment and no scratches on the hardwood.

Check out my headshots

I guess this isn’t really something to do, but lookee! I got new headshots!

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, but if I did, they would be something along the lines of investing more in my acting career. I’m choreographing right now, taking an acting class, getting ready to start voice lessons, and have a big audition on Saturday (as if I didn’t have enough on my plate). Also I plan to do Unifieds this year. New headshots were definitely in order.

It goes against my instincts as a feminist and a trained actor to complain about this, but I felt seriously old after these were taken. My previous headshots were only taken about four years ago–not a very long time–but I look very different. Not since infancy has my body undergone such rapid..er..revisions.

I’m sort of getting used to them now…but not to the point where I’m going to show you guys the un-retouched versions.

I had all this in the works before this new job fell from the sky and hit my Chicken Little head. Previously I would have put it on hold due to my ineptness at juggling too many large undertakings at one time, but I’m grabbing the bull by the balls, to put it elegantly. What with these wrankly-ass headshots, plus David Bowie and Alan Rickman gone in the space of a week, life is starting to feel short (it’s getting dark…*cough*).

Or maybe I’ve just been listening to too much Hamilton.

Summer Reading: Ghost Stories

Never fear, I’m cooking up part II of the ER beach body series as we speak. But in the meantime let’s talk summer reading!

Completely by accident, I found myself reading four books at the same time that all had something to do with ghosts or other such ghastly creatures. And by an even greater stroke of coincidence, they were all good. Here for your reading pleasure are my reviews, in the order I finished them.

Archivist Wasp by Nicole Kornher-Stace

I received an ARC of this title from LibraryThing* and it was in – ahem – PDF format, which is worrisome. How good could it be if they couldn’t even be bothered with epub at least? But I thought I’d give it a try since I found myself with the time, and it was a short novel. I was pleasantly surprised. This is a YA book set in a post-apocalyptic landscape, but it was quite unusual in all other ways. The narrator Wasp, has the lonely, undesirable, and psuedo-religious calling to catch ghosts and record their habits, a role she just so happens to keep by yearly fights to the death. When an unusually powerful and guilt-wracked ghost enlists her help to find the soul of his dead partner, Wasp wonders if the terrifying and beautiful underworld might just be a better deal than the raw one she gets on earth.  First, I’ll admit there was a bevvy of technical tripwires (ambiguous transitions, a few loose ends, and a tendency to overuse interrupted and ellipsed dialogue) that detracted a bit from the novel’s overall clarity. There were even a few outright errors (like misplaced pronouns) that made me wonder if I was reading some kind of beta version. But the dream-like underworld the author paints, each layer an entire universe utterly different from the one before and resting inside each other like nesting dolls, is amazingly creative. It’s almost worth reading for that alone, but I think many will also enjoy, as I did, the slightly different take on the strong-and-prickly female lead. The lack of romance between any of the characters is a bit like stepping off a staircase in the dark only to find you’re on level ground–disorienting, yet oddly relieving. The core themes that replace it–trust, teamwork, reliance and self-sufficiency–will speak to many.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

*The ARC copy was provided with no strings attached, except if I rate the book on the LibraryThing site I’m more likely to win books in the future. It’s purely my choice to review it here. 

The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman is one of those authors for me (like Carl Hiaasen, Christopher Moore, and sad to admit Jodi Piccoult) whose books I’m almost 100% guaranteed to enjoy. This one in particular though, by some kind of bookworm’s alchemy I can only haphazardly summarize as “the right book at the right time,” struck a cord with me. Not exactly a ghost story as much as a fantastical play on particle physics, Ocean tells the story of a boy (Gaiman gets inside a child’s mind like no other) and his brief but formative run-in with the supernatural underbelly of his rural English home and the Hempstocks, a mysterious trio of women who have lived in the farm at the end of the lane for untold ages. If you think of piles of rags, bath tubs, and the color pink unthreatening, you won’t after this little tale. Despite the overall pall of terror cast on the events of the plot, you’ll find yourself feeling the loss of it keenly at the end (hope that’s not too much of a spoiler). It’s a gentle reminder that even our darkest moments are lined with unbelievable bright silver, and to lose one means the loss of the other.

I listed to the audio version read aloud by the author, and it was as perfectly digestible as the farm suppers the Hempstocks serve up. It’s just a good, strange, wonderful story.

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

The Winter People by Jennifer McMahon

Also a rural setting, albeit more backwater than idyllic, The Winter People is a little bit mystery and a little bit horror, which I think is the author’s specialty (this is the first of her I’ve read). This book was chock-full of storylines and characters that pushed the book to the edge of chaos, but McMahon managed to herd them into a streamline narrative against all odds. The title refers to ghosts that linger on the land like the long New England winter. But the real danger is the temporarily resurrected dead–don’t call them the Z word–that come from a cave in the woods. Despite the variety of chills that this book sends down your spine–including some pedestrian ones involving greed and guns–the real horror is the uncontrollable longing of the grief-stricken. More specifically, to what ends such longing drives the grieving.

There were a few things that didn’t really work for me–the pocketed braid for one–but I chalk that up to reading it on a Kindle. I sometimes miss things in that format.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

A Sudden Light by Garth Stein

If it didn’t say so right on the cover, I would never have believed this was written by the same author who wrote The Art of Racing in the Rain, so very different were the two. One thing I appreciated about this book, especially after Winter People, was the first person limited narration. Far from being constraining, it was revelatory to hear the story from one person instead of several, which if I’m being honest, is a device that sometimes feels like a cheat when it should have just been written in third omniscient. But I digress.

This was the most traditional haunting of the four books–straight up disembodied souls floating in secret passages. But in other ways the novel attempted to be unconventional, although its success in this is limited and perhaps in the eye of the reader. Again there are some parts that don’t quite work for me, the biggest being the aunt–not her motivations so much, those I understood perfectly–more her personality and mannerisms. In comparison to the other characters it felt overly heightened, which is saying a lot when the other characters include a homosexual tree-hugging ghost. Despite all of that, I really enjoyed seeing the story unfold. The old house was a character in itself too.

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Read any good books lately?

It’s been a while man, life’s so rad

Hello friends. I’m hibernating and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

I’ve been catching a lot of screen time, reading a lot of books, and doin’ a little dancing (I’m choreographing a local school’s production of Hairspray, for the three of you who don’t know me from Facebook and/or RL). I sort of despise winter and the only way I can beat SAD every year is to get a little indulgent. I buy beauty products and fleece leggings, read magazines, drink hot chocolate, and forget I’m 30-something for the length of a YA novel or movie (follow me on Goodreads and we’ll swap reviews!).

To that end, last night I convinced P to watch The Fault in our Stars with me. I’d read the book but until this moment didn’t have any interest in the movie because–depressing. But watching it had the intended effect, namely, to make me feel grateful for everything, large and small, that is good in life (Sometimes the cold can make me whiny).

So I’m coming out of my cave for a minute or two to share what I’m obsessing over now. Surprise #notsurprised most of it has to do with food and makeup.

Roku is enabling my DA addiction

The only show that I’m driven to stay caught up on for whatever reason is Downton Abbey. We couldn’t get either of the hand-me-down antennas our friends gave us to work in our house (I don’t know, trees?…), so we ended up ordering a Roku with a bunch of reward points that were built up on my credit card. (The upside to sinking hundreds of dollars a year into keeping an old vehicle in working order). We can’t watch the episodes until the day after they air, but that’s better than waiting an eternity for that ish to roll out on Netflix. I can handle a day.

But seriously. Roku is awesome, and you should get one, and then poop on Comcast’s lawn.

These nails y’all

I’m sort of over crazy nail art. I’m really loving pure colors right now, especially neutrals. Currently I’m lacquered up in this warm winter white, a color of my own invention. None of these polishes were quite right on their own: too gray, bright, and peachy, respectively. But together they make the palest skin tone neutral that my skillful phone photography can’t do justice to.

(For the interested, the recipe is: 1 drop Revlon Bare Bones, 3 drops Avon French Tip White, and 6 drops OPI My Vampire is Buff).

On the other hand, this mani is kind of a mess so maybe it’s better this way.

My toes are chrome rose gold. You guys! It’s like my toes are wearing jewelry! (That matches the be-YOO-tiful new pink gold watch that P got me for Christmas, beetee dubs). The best part about this nail makeup, other than that I got it on super clearance at Ulta, is that it actually works better without a base and top coat. Laziness condoned? I’m down. Sadly, it’s been discontinued (hence the clearance) but you can still score it on Amazon and Ebay. For the moment, anyway.

It dries quickly enough that my feet didn’t turn into ice blocks while trying to avoid slipper-smears.

 

Snapware Makes Me into an Adult where Everything Else has Failed

My friend H and I determined, when we were both drooling in the Corningware Outlet, that it’s a true sign of getting older when you are excited about food storage. But the hilarious yet surprisingly awesome set I have right now has started to get too grimy to use, and now I’m hoping to replace it eventually with the full complement of these babies.

 

Not Sure Where These Have Been All My Life

I had an amazingly delicious side of roasted chickpeas at our holiday office lunch, and was floored to learn that it’s really easy to DIY that fancy looking snacky-savory-side. And you can add any kind of flavor, really–for my first go around I used garlic, cumin, and parmesan. There are about 657000 recipes on Pinterest but all you really need to know is a drained can of garbanzos for 30 minutes at 400 doused in EVOO and spices. They were intended for a rehearsal snack, but it was all I could do not to eat the entire batch standing up in the kitchen.

Embarrassing confession: I did not know that chickpeas and garbanzo beans were the same thing before now. This is what happens when your primary food group is pizza.

 

Online Bureaucracy Means One Less Fraught Interaction with Strangers

Maybe it’s because this has never actually worked for me before, but renewing my tag was stupid easy this year. Basically since I started driving I’ve had to schedule a birthday visit to either the tag office or the DMV, even though I live in a county with online renewal. This year I got my renewal notice, emissions test, paid online, got the sticker, WAM, BAM, all in about a two week time frame. You go, state of Georgia.

 

T minus Five Days Until This is Me

Ok so not really. But my main dudes and I are going to Colorado next week to visit my cool lil’ bro C and his cooler better half S, plus one of my very best buddies is meeting up with us from LA. And we’re all going skiing at Copper Mountain! It’s like vacation squared!

 

The Only Thing That could Make me Eat Salad when 45 Degrees Is Actually Starting to Sound Warm

If you don’t have a Kroger in your area, that is a real travesty because this Private Selection Poblano Ranch is everything you could ever want in a man dressing and more, and I don’t even like ranch.

Just give me a head of lettuce and we’re good to go.

 

So This is Neat

Truly though, after that downer of a movie I was walking around my house with new eyes. For instance, I’ve had these little bird hooks forever–seriously, it sat on a dresser unhung the entire time we lived in our old apartment, and it’s been hanging here for almost three. But suddenly I looked at it and just loved it.

Side note: I seem to own a shocking number of garments featuring bows.

 

I Swear This Wasn’t Intentional

Not long ago we redid the horrible green floor and mauve trim in my bathroom with peaceful white and deep gray. And that was great. But what’s even greater is that the products on my bathroom shelf are color coordinated and I didn’t even plan it. From the eye makeup remover that I don’t use because it stings but I keep because MERMAID, to my go-to winter body cream. This is the kind of randomness I can really appreciate.

 

This Face Though

This is my sweet, sweet child. My child who not only is free from horrid diseases GAH WHY movie with FEELS?!?, but is basically a 17 year old in a 3 year old’s form (he can’t be any older than that because grown men don’t think fart jokes are funny).

Oh wait.

Anyway. He came with me on the aforementioned Ulta trip, and a stranger actually stopped me to say what a great conversationalist he is, like a little adult. (The fact that he was talking loudly enough to be heard by every random stranger in the store assures me he’s still a preschooler).

He is kind of a ham, which I guess was unavoidable and totally expected, but it still surprises me sometimes. This is a gag he came up with to underscore an enjoyable meal–in this case a lunch of blood oranges and the free soft serve from Jason’s Deli #dontjudge.

Imagine, if you will, that the entire series above takes about ten seconds start to finish, and is punctuated with a jerk of the head and a tiny toddler voice saying the words “FREAKIN’ delicious.”

So what are you obsessed with grateful for this winter?

By now I’m sure you all know I was given neither free stuff nor dollars by any of the brands mentioned here. Kroger, if you want to send me a case of Poblano Ranch I will not say no. Have your people call my people.

What I’m Reading: YA gets topical in Thirteen Reasons Why

In Summary: Great premise, OK execution. And by virtue my lengthy critique here, we have to tip our hats to the fact that it’s a book worth a full review, whatever its issues.

Positives about this novel: It was engrossing, unfolding almost like a mystery. Props to the author for pulling that off (not all such attempts succeed). You don’t need to actually be a young adult to enjoy this on the whole. I also appreciate that the book and its evident popularity might be the impetus for discussion of important subjects–teen suicide certainly, but also depression, mental illness, slut shaming, #yesallwomen, the effect of gossip, sexual harassment and rape–among teenagers and their peers and parents.

On a more concrete level, I liked the huge web of characters, and the references to even more that weren’t seen directly. That’s how we truly interact after all, but it’s extremely difficult to convey that in novel without being confusing and/or needing a flow chart.

Eyebrow raisers: My hang up with this novel was not, as other reviewers have complained, with the believability of Hannah’s 13 reasons. On the contrary, I found them rather compelling, particularly the snowball effect described. Even though we aren’t really given any clues to this, it’s statistically safe to assume Hannah is suffering from mental illness, since a large percentage of those who commit suicide are (the professional source in this story as well as the NAMI quotes the figure at 90%). Operating under that assumption, it then follows that she lacks the coping mechanisms necessary to deal with trials, even so-called “normal” ones. Plus, let’s not forget that all teenagers have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, meaning she isn’t able to fully conceptualize life beyond her high school reputation — in other words, a way out.

My problem was with the whole tape conceit. I’m not an expert on the subject by any means, but Robin Williams’ death earlier this month means that mental illness and suicide is a national topic of discussion. (As well it should be. God forbid young people put off the discussion until it becomes personally relevant). And from what I understand, the act of putting together a series of tapes…very coherent, logical, well-thought-out tapes I might add, complete with foreshadowing and recurring characters…and then orchestrating their movement through the bowels of your school…that sort of elaborate thinking seems a little beyond a suicidal person, who by all accounts have trouble thinking past their personal and present emotions. Suicide notes and videos are a well-documented phenomenon of course, but I think you would be hard pressed to find this advanced level of legacy-leaving of any suicidal individual, much less a teenager. The same source in the article referenced above adds that while suicidal thinking can recur, it is temporary, going so far as to call it a “passing urge.” The act of recording hours of tapes could possibly have been galvanizing, sure, but it more likely would have been therapeutic. I think Hannah even admitted as much. Just another small fact that makes the suicide less believable. Or to be more specific, it makes Hannah less believable as a suicidal person.

I will add the caveat that I was listening to the audio book, and the actress reading Hannah played her on the angry and bitter side. More the voice of someone with a twisted revenge plot than one who had lost hope. But the writing isn’t entirely blameless. Hannah talked about death rather overtly when it’s pretty well documented that suicidal people aren’t focused on ending their life, but rather stopping the pain. They use terms like “make it all go away” and “just disappear” and things like that, and the author neglected to put such phrases in her mouth, with the possible exception of the last side of the tapes. She’s very removed from herself, in a way, almost as if she’s telling the story from another perspective–another person’s, or her own self in the future–rather than living it personally.

That, along with the fact that there was no funeral, led me to develop a working theory that Hannah wasn’t really dead and the whole thing as a cry for help. My back up theory, and one that would have made the whole book make a lot more sense, was if she hadn’t meant to actually die (pills are a notoriously unreliable…I hesitate to say passive-aggressive, maybe a better way to put it would be “slowly effective” method and one that is more common to females for that reason) and it was, in the words of the article referenced, a botched attempt “to survive with changed circumstances.” That would be in keeping with the character both as written and as read. There was even some reference, albeit speculative, that Hannah might have actually drowned in a tub after taking pills rather than dying from an overdose itself, giving credence to this theory. P put forth the idea that had the tapes been recorded sporadically over a number of years, as the events unfolded, and been socked away until a trigger moment, that would have made sense also. And I concede I could have bought that to an extent as well.

Also, I was surprised the book was written by a man (who one assumes must have been a teenage boy once), because I found Clay unbelievable as a character, and not just because he had a perfect reputation that was actually true (his self-blaming/loathing only serves to make him more perfect to the reader, not less so). We get an idea that he has a very supportive home environment from the mother, which is the only aspect that lends credibility to his perfection. The author did have a better voice for him than he did for Hannah in terms of perspective. By which I mean we were less distant from his personal truth at that moment, unlike Hannah. I also liked the actor’s interpretation in the audio book. But overall, Clay operated as a literary device, the means through which we hear and experience the tapes. Something about Clay and Hannah’s relation to each other, while poignant, was uncomplicated and most certainly unambiguous. The Feelings just aren’t messy enough for real life. And poor Tony–talk about a story device. All he was good for was playing outdated audio cassettes and following people around.

Bottom line recommendation: Go ahead and read this book. It won’t take you that long, I was able to listen to the whole thing in six hours, including some [inevitable] rewinding. I’ll recommend the audio version. I was able to borrow it from my public library for free. Despite my problems with Hannah’s voice, I hear the point of view switches toward the end are confusing in writing, and you don’t want to be taken out of the story at that point trying to figure out who’s talking. Despite some believability caveats, you’re going to get sucked in to this.

If they end up making a movie, which I think they are, there is a lot of potential to prop up some of these weak spots while retaining all the best aspects of the novel. I sincerely hope that they succeed in that. (And if they do, you can count on my companion review of the film…provided I can stand the actors they pick. In my brain-casting, I pictured the daughter from Homeland as our leading lady…alongside some people from my actual high school, but I’m sure they’ll go a different route haha).

A still of that chick (aka Morgan Saylor) from Homeland.

And regardless of whether you have serious problems with Hannah or you can sort of relate, it’s going to make you analytical in a meaningful way. I got uncomfortable with some of my own thoughts (spoiler alert: they were leaning towards victim blaming), and I really appreciate that in a book. It’s always good when something makes you think critically, even–and perhaps especially–of yourself.

What I’m Reading: The ever-popular “other side of the story” story

The Paris Wife by Paula McLain

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I wouldn’t call this fictionalized account of Ernest Hemingway’s early career and marriage any great work of literature, but it was an interesting and lyrical read.

The Lost Generation makes for a fascinating subject, all the more intriguing for its being true–which is sometimes hard to believe. Nevermind the traveling all over the world partying hard on practically no money, there was the marriage itself–the center of the plot. At first I was just irritated with Hemingway, characterized (probably faithfully) as the brand of pig-headedness, selfishness, and insanity often typical of artistic genius. But when the affair arrives, as it must, Hadley drove me just as crazy.

I guess maybe it was “the times” (as my husband suggested when I was recounting the book), but sorry, I can’t buy it–that Hadley would remain friends with the other woman, that the three would travel together after the affair came to light, that she would just lay there in the same bed as her husband slept with his mistress.

I’m not referring to the truthfulness of those events, but the literary believability. In other words, it might be historically accurate that Hadley didn’t slap a bitch, but McLain didn’t give a compelling enough character justification for me. In fact, even in the epilogue (my least favorite kind..long, expositional narrative) it becomes clear that Hadley is entirely defined by Ernest, even 35 years after a four year marriage. By asserting that she and Ernest know she’s more than just “the Paris wife,” she proves that in fact, she isn’t.

For a book whose sole purpose is to flesh out a marginal historical figure, the reader gets a Hadley with surprisingly little sense of self.

Postscript: I am, however, inspired to revisit Hemingway’s writing. The real main character of this book is what they refer to as “the work,” and it’s the anchoring star of the constellation of the story’s events. I disliked Hemingway’s style during the obligatory lit/comp reading assignments, but I’ll add him to my try-again-now-that-I’m-more-grown-up list. 

View all my reviews

What I’m Reading: Summer School Edition

A Lesson Before Dying by Ernest J. Gaines

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book was on a few of my summer reading lists back in school, but I always passed it over for something like Jane Eyre or Great Expectations..you know, something with a romantic heroine. Who wants to read about an innocent man on death row? Yikesamole, I thought. Also, I had read The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman in 8th grade and talk about dying–of boredom (what can I say? I was 13). But when I saw A Lesson Before Dying on the free books shelf at my local library, I thought maybe I could appreciate it now as a more seasoned reader. And boy did I!

It’s a superb book. I would actually give it 4 1/2 stars. I subtracted half a star only because I found the turnaround of Jefferson a little too abrupt to be totally believable (it takes place basically in one speech). I know as a millennial white girl I can’t really say this with true authority, but the situational drama and emotional life of the characters struck me as real, real, real. All without being too heavy-handed with the hopelessness of the whole affair. An enjoyable, smart read by a great author. I might even give Miss Pittman another go!

(This review first appeared on goodreads.com).

View all my reviews

 

What I’m Reading: I-guess-I-have-to-actually-parent-now edition

Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool by Hal Edward Runkel

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

My kid isn’t even two yet, but he’s very precocious when it comes to misbehavior. When he started throwing tantrums at the ripe young age of 10 months (what’s next, cigarettes under his bed at 9?), I knew I needed to find a discipline strategy I could live with. For me, that meant no spanking or rule by force, but not letting him run the house either. I grabbed this book along with a stack of others at the local library, and let me tell you, I will be purchasing it to keep forever.

“Scream-free” is a catch-all phrase for reactionary behavior of any kind. Screaming, sure, but also running away, crying (hello, me), or any kind of response based in emotion. It’s a check-yourself-before-you-wreck-yourself kind of theory.

The root philosophy is that you can’t control any other person besides yourself, even a very small person. Nor would you want to, if you want that little person to grow up self-sufficient and responsible. Runkel clearly and simply explains strategies for taking a step back from bad behavior, turning everything into a learning experience for yourself first, so that your children can learn from you. He talks about being responsible TO your children instead of FOR your children, releasing you of the burden of micro-managing them (and releasing them of the burden of keeping you happy and calm).

Thankfully, it’s not a NO-discipline book: he advocates laying down basic expectations and boundaries, and enforcing or allowing natural consequences of not meeting those. But the child has their own age-appropriate freedom within wider limits that you set. There’s no training techniques reminiscent of housebreaking a dog, or comparing children to lab rats (both things I have actually read in other parenting books), and there’s no reverse psychology or any other mind-messing stuff.

One of the tenets of Scream-Free Parenting is sure to be point of contention: that children should have privacy. There is a strong vein of thought among modern parents that children living at home do not have a right to privacy of any kind, up to and including diaries and emails, due to safety concerns. While I do totally understand that point of view, and I do think keeping your child safe is your first job as a parent, I disagree that that is best accomplished by being all up in every aspect of their lives. Maybe it’s because my own parents allowed me age-appropriate privacy without my even asking, which filled me preteen soul with grateful relief. And while I’m sure I did and wrote some things that would they would worry about or disapprove of, I never got into serious trouble as a kid. Their trust made me want to be trustworthy. I compare it to punching in on a time clock at work. Studies have suggested that micromanaging a worker’s time makes that employee less loyal and more likely skirt the rules. In other words, empowering an individual results in better choices and self-motivation. I think the same applies to children.

All in all, the idea is to begin with the end in mind, which is something I latched on to even when I was preggers. The end, in this case, is the kind of adult your want your child to become. If you want your child to learn to play games (like one book I read that suggested when your kid misbehaves, deny them the next time they want something without explanation, and wait until they figure out the two are connected), then you trick or bribe him into behaving well. If you want your child to learn to take responsibility for his actions, you let consequences happen. (You got a speeding ticket? You have to use your savings to pay it instead of buying a new iThing).  Above all, you don’t let your child’s actions and feelings determine your own, or dictate the emotional climate of your home.

I do think this book is most helpful for parents of older children (like the above)–there’s not a lot that would be extremely useful for toddler-specific behavior problems. All the same, I’ve very glad I read it BEFORE my child is a teenager, so I’m prepared. Plus, since it’s a parenting philosophy and not a bag of tricks, it truly pertains to parents of all ages. In fact, it describes a way of relating to others that could be applied to anyone in your life, from friends to parents to spouses. Did I agree with every single thing he said? No. But you get the feeling reading it that you are more than capable of figuring out what works for you and chucking the rest. I truly am inspired to be a better parent after reading this book.

View all my reviews

What I’m Reading: Six years after everybody else read it edition

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I really want to give this book two different star ratings. Four stars (maybe even five) for the parts that Oskar narrates and two stars to the parts where the grandparents are narrating. It felt like two completely different books to me. Obviously there was some intersection, but Oskar’s chapters were behind the wheel of the plot. Had it been left to the grandparents, we would have stalled out in the breakdown lane. I always wanted to fast forward through their parts.

It’s strange how I had zero sympathy for the silent grandfather who can’t get over his teenaged sweetheart [who was killed in an attack], but I wanted to hug the crap out of the little boy who can’t get over his father [who was killed in an attack]. It was the biggest head-smacking parallel of the whole book, but I wasn’t on board with it.

I was worried about reading this book because I thought it was going to be a big bawl-fest the whole way through, and I wasn’t in the mood. But in the end there were only two parts that got me, and I’m not even sure whether they were intended to: 1.) when Oskar invents (imagines) the ambulance that flashes the status of its occupant to his or her family–either “I’m OK!” or, if they’re not going to be OK, “I love you! Goodbye!” I think anybody who has lost someone and didn’t get the chance to say goodbye would feel that one. 2.) the listing of the taglines of the 9/11 victims (father, collector, tennis player, investor, grandfather, father, sister, baseball fanatic, etc). It hit me way harder than the lists of actual names I’ve seen. It made them more real. The list went on forever, but still you knew it was only a small section of the lives that were lost, you know? Anyway, I thought those two things were much sadder than the final phone messages from Oskar’s dad.

P.S. Mr. Black’s disappearance was annoying. The narrator of my audio book did a freakin’ fantastic job with his voice, and it made me really love the character. I hope he went to live in the Empire State Building.

View all my reviews

Happiest Toddler on the Block: What works and what doesn’t

This a PP, folks (PP=parenting post). If you there’s no one in your life whose toilet habits you could discuss with knowledge and interest, come back tomorrow for a non-baby book review. 

I was a devotee of the 5 S’s in The Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp, so as soon as T started having tantrums at the precocious age of 11 months, I went out and bought the sequel, but I’ve only just gotten around to finishing. The second half of the book basically repeats the first half of the book more concisely and with more examples, which is kind of perfect when it’s been eight months since you read the first half.

But who really gives a crap about how advice books are written, amirite?

So without further ado, here’s my take on the important stuff: does this really work? Keeping in mind that with any method, there will be some things that don’t work due to a unique situation, I tried to keep my perspective general.

What works:

The Toddler Brain Concept

Over and over in the book, Karp compares toddlers to cavemen, in that they haven’t been socialized. I get that, but even more useful were his briefer mentions of how toddlers lose all the time. Practically everyone is faster, bigger, stronger, braver, and usually gets their way.  There’s much they don’t understand, and they are incapable of planning and reasoning, especially when emotional. Being a toddler kind of blows goats, really. They have almost zero control over their own lives, and the people they love most in the world (mom and dad) are always telling them “no, no!” This paradigm has helped me wrap my brain around otherwise inexplicable blow ups—like when I give him milk in the “wrong” cup.

Playing the boob

In keeping with the first idea, it helps to let toddlers feel like winners from time to time if you ever want them to cooperate with your ideas. This phrase itself is kind of ridiculous, but call it whatever you want, it totally works. Essentially, you just act incompetent or weak. Prime example that Tenny loves: when he gives me a high-five, I fall over and shake my hand saying “ow ow owie! You’re too strong for mommy!” There are other ways of letting your kid win that Karp details in the book, and I have found that keeping the idea back of mind all day (how many times has T “won” today?) is amazingly effective.

Feed the meter

The easiest way to stem tantrums is to spend a lot of time and [undivided] attention with your toddler. Kind of a theoretical duh, but putting it into practice is easier said than done. For proof, just look at the near-maniacal way most toddlers love their grandparents. That’s because whenever a grandparent spends time with them, they are totally devoted. They aren’t trying to open mail or do laundry or fix dinner. Obviously, you don’t have the luxury of not doing those things—just don’t assume that having your toddler being next to you while you do them counts as quality time.

Gossip and fairy tales

Gossip is when you fake whisper to someone, like your partner or even your kids’ stuffed animals, about your kid’s behavior. Fairy Tales are a very short story that you tell to your kid that illustrates the behavior change you want. Not going to lie, you’re going to feel like a total wack job using these tricks. But before you poo-poo it, let me tell you about last night. T’s been having a lot of trouble settling down for sleep lately. So while I was nursing him, I talked over his head to P, sotto voce but in a babyish voice that attracts T’s attention. I said, “I really loved how Tenny was so good at dinner tonight. He sat in his seat the whole time and ate all his apples! And have you noticed, he’s the best at getting in and out of the car seat: super quick and never makes a fuss like so many other kids do! But the thing I really like the most is when he goes to bed after book time all peaceful.  It makes me happy when he lays right down with his animals and goes to sleep.” And no lie, for the first time in five nights that is EXACTLY what he did.

What didn’t work

Magic Breathing

Essentially, take deep breaths and count to 10, toddler-style. Maybe T is just a little too young to get the concept, but then again, I know plenty of adults who can’t even do this.

Small Choices

Giving your toddler a choice of two options. In both choices, he ends up doing what you want, it just gives the slight illusion that he has control over the situation. I’ve read this advice in several places besides this book, by the way. Example: We have to leave the park. Do you want to leave in one minute and play trucks at home, or leave in two minutes and no time to play with trucks at home? Very occasionally, this works for us, but most of the time, it goes something like this:

Me: Ok, time to go.

T: WAAAAAAAAH (throws head backward toward the floor)

two minutes later…

Me: We have to go, but you can pick—the blue shoes or the red shoes?

T (still sniffling):  [stares at me like] are you serious right now, woman?

Maybe this doesn’t work because it’s a little too reliant on appealing to the toddler’s non-existent sense of reason.  But I like to think my kid’s just too smart for that shiz.

The Fast Food Rule

This is Karp’s term for acknowledging the child’s feelings about something (regardless of whether you agree) by repeating it back. This is what you are supposed to do whenever you feel the urge to use logical reasoning with your child (see LOL in the dictionary).

Basically you mirror their feelings in short, repetitive phrasing. Like if T was crying to be picked up, instead of saying “mommy can’t pick you up because her hands are covered in turtle slime and I don’t want you to get salmonella and die,” I would say: “Tenny sad! Tenny wants up now now now!” The more upset they are, the smaller the phrase you use. Eventually they are supposed to calm down enough for you to get in your own argument.

I have found this general concept to be pretty successful with adults. But babies are having none of it. I’ve tried it not only on T, but on his little classmates, so I know. T just sees this as more justification for his point of view. (Like: yeah, exactly mom! Now give it to me).

You supposed to hit the “sweet spot” of emotional intensity with your words– the point where they feel understood, but not like you’re making fun of them. Every toddler’s sweet spot is different, so maybe that’s my problem. This is one of the main tenets of Karp’s method, and it really just hasn’t been that useful.

But the news is more good than bad. I find that when I have “fed the meter” adequately and am in an understanding frame of mind, his tantrums are very brief, and more importantly, I don’t escalate the situation by blowing up at him. In fact, tantrums are rare overall as long as I have paid attention to him and let him win several times* that day.

*like, 47.

Three for three: 3 books with 3 stars

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I borrowed this book from my mom who borrowed it from my aunt, and in my opinion that’s the way to go–borrowing, not buying. The premise of the book sounds promising. A game, really more like a battle, between the protegés of two magicians and by extension, two forms of magic, comes to a head in a phantasmagorical circus. A wrench is thrown into the works when the naive sorcerer’s apprentices – SHOCKER – fall in love with each other.

Trouble is, the connection between the protagonists felt forced. You may think chemistry only applies to actual people–not so, I discovered. The spark between the two young never-aging lovers was more like a fizzle.

Lack of chemistry overall was truly this book’s downfall. From the red-scarved groupies who follow the circus from continent to continent, to the vitriol between the two aged magicians, to the young boy who gave up his whole life to operate the circus in perpetuity, the passion never left the page.

I give it three stars instead of two as a nod to the descriptions of the circus exhibitions. Neat and obviously well-thought out. In fact, I have the distinct impression that the author thought up the entire circus as a central motif, and then threw in a story around it as an afterthought (ringing true for my current read too, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children: review coming soon.)

I was dying for this book to be good, but it just wasn’t quite. In fact, the last few magical realism books I’ve read have all fallen flat for me. Maybe it’s time to accept that I’m just not into this genre?

The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I listened to this book in the car, and while I was definitely interested, I wasn’t entirely engrossed. Any peek into another culture (and how people of dual nationality sit astride the divide) holds a certain fascination for me, and this book had that in spades. Lahiri has a knack for writing extremely realistic characters too, my personal fave being the centenarian lady in whose home the father stays when he first comes to America. But (there’s always a but, right?), realistic characters have the unfortunate tendency to be boring. There wasn’t a lot of going against the grain, swimming upstream, personal heroics that really grab me as a reader. Granted, I don’t think the author intended this book to be such. Would I read it again? Probably not. But if you asked me, is it worth reading, I would say definitely!

A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

If anyone has been considering whether or not to start this series–I’m talking about people who, like me, are lukewarm at best towards the fantasy genre as a whole, but recognize there has to be something worthwhile to anything that’s made into a premium channel series–I have only this to say: Better be ready for violence, sex, and sex in your violence (hat tip, Bush). I’m not sure whether it’s just me as a first time madre or all parents world-wide, but I find the gory death of babies and children, if not intolerable, then veryvery close. There’s a lot of that in this series, more as the story progresses into the sequels (hello, three-year-old smashed in the face with a mace).

If you can get past all that (or to be honest, even if you can’t hardly), this is a captivating read. The world Martin has created is just close enough to the known one (as in, ours) to be familiar and just foreign enough (as in, Middle Earth) to be accepting of the violent demise of fictional infants and other innocents in whom you are invested. Once you pick it up, the likelihood of your putting it down again is slim.

View all my reviews